Anxiety Sucks

I am 15. I am sitting in a classroom, my surroundings and peers all new to me. The teacher speaks, asking students to pull out a book I've heard of but not yet read. I clutch the three ring binder that lies before me, unsure of what to do next. Do I raise my hand? Do I ask a neighbor to share her book with me? Do I run? Paralyzed, the teacher walks by mentioning something about getting the book but for now to join this group of students, he points. I comply, but for all I know he just told me I needed to memorize the United States Constitution and prepare to recite it the following day, in Spanish, in front of the whole school while simultaneously catching rice kernels thrown at me with the chopsticks I would whittle at home this evening. 

This is anxiety. That sharp sting of confusion. The dull ache of the unknown. Your heart races. Your breathing quickens. Fidgeting hands claw for something to do, nervous energy spilling from every crack and crevice. It overwhelms your thoughts and consumes your soul. The pressure is unbearable. 

While the events that invited anxiety into my life were varied (my grandma’s passing, marrying off my eldest sister, moving into a lonely apartment with my mom after living as a family of six most my life, unexpectedly changing schools a month into my sophomore year—all in a matter of weeks), they were all marked by change. Perhaps too much. I didn't see it coming, but then all of the sudden, there he was barging through my back door, making himself right at home, expecting me to devote all my time and energy towards satisfying his unquenchable thirst for attention. 

This was my first brush with anxiety but certainly not my last. I wish it made sense, that there was a cure, but the truth is anxiety comes in so many shapes and sizes, like shape shifting clouds casting shadows over the brightest of flowers on the sunniest of days.

It's safe to say anxiety and I are no longer friends. We don't share a room or even a home most days, but I know he still has a tent pitched out back, just waiting for me to open the door and let him in. 

That's what happened this past weekend-I unintentionally let him back in. And boy, did he wreak havoc. First there was a soft knock asking to come in, then he quietly unlocked the door, sliding it aside while I wasn't looking. We navigated around each other all day avoiding eye contact every time I looked in the mirror. I went to bed knowing he was downstairs, and then awoke to him in my bedroom, staring me down like a sad little puppy waiting impatiently for breakfast, ready to nip at my heals until I gave in to his every demand.

I've realized that much of my worry-turned anxiety comes from a deep rooted desire to people please. I put myself in situations that drain me, take up my time or suck up my energy, all for the sake of meeting the needs of others at the cost of, well, me. I want to be all things to all people, meeting their every need and fulfilling whatever self-imposed role I think I have in their life. In my twisted mind I somehow believe if I'm not there to meet their needs then I'm letting them down and in turn won't matter anymore. As if my value will diminish with my availability. 

Last weekend was the perfect opportunity to face anxiety head on. I'll spare you the details that brought on said anxiety, but I'll tell you that it had everything to do with fighting my urge to people please, letting my no be no and my yes be yes. According to Lysa Terkeurst's "The Best Yes: Making Wise Decisions in the Midst of Endless Demands," when you say yes to something you are saying no to something else, and vice verse. It seems obvious, but it's an easy thing to miss.

Because I struggle with saying no for fear of letting people down, I decided I needed to enlist the support of my sister if I was going to stick with my gut. In the midst of my inner turmoil she reminded me it's ok to say no without explaining yourself. So I did. I said NO to something I didn't want to do because there are so many things I want to say YES to this year. In fact, there are so many things I have already committed myself to saying YES to, and giving in to one more thing would have been a betrayal to my original YES, a betrayal to myself. 

I've come across a lot of people lately who have committed themselves to a year of YES or, on the contrary, a year of NO. I kept trying to figure out what season I needed to enter into, feeling torn between the two and stuck in I DON'T KNOW. But now I realize that I am in a season of YES and NO. Saying YES to exploring and living out my dreams and desires, saying NO to the things that keep me from them. I wish it were that easy, but I won't let that stop me. Shoot, maybe it is that easy and I've just been complicating things all these years. *has epiphany* 

I wish I hadn't let anxiety in this past weekend. I wish I hadn't let it consume me entirely. I wish I hadn't tried to sleep it off only to awake to a mess of confusion and more frustration. But that's the way life goes sometimes. You either let your enemies get the best of you or you slowly separate yourself, convincing them to walk out the door using whatever tactics are in your toolbox, and a little trickery on the side.

As for me, I'm back in charge. In attempt to get anxiety out the door I started budgeting energy towards afternoon bike rides and snail mail correspondence until I was able to safely tuck anxiety back into his cozy sleeping bag out back and out of sight. I didn't love this experience, nor that first brush I had with anxiety when I was young and easily swayed, but I'm thankful for the opportunity to see how my past has formed me into who I am today (for better or worse) and I'm eager to embrace the life I have ahead of me. I also think it's time to consider an extra lock on my back door. 

What past experience has influenced who you are today?